You will want to kill yourself, but you won’t
Because you no longer think of suicide
As a house you will build on day.
Your fourth love, who is your first real love,
Who brought you peace when your whole body was a gun.
When she leaves you, ask your roommate to hide the knives
Because you will carve her name into all of the food in your fridge.
Stop showering, warmth will remind you of her.
Masturbate in public, hope someone catches you,
Just so you can feel vulnerable in front of anyone else.
Try to burn her clothes, try to fall in love with strangers,
Try to fall asleep without her.
Open the windows, she would’ve wanted them closed.
Turn off the radio, she can’t sleep without noise.
You can’t fall asleep without noise but noise will sound like her,
Whispering you into the world of lights and breakfast.
Make the rain sound like nothing,
Make the rain sound nothing like her voice.
Don’t be alone.
When you are alone you won’t do anything you did with her
So you won’t do anything.
Marvel at how she, the patient gardener, the bringer of sleep,
She, who draws the bath and lights the candles.
She, who made you someone who could make himself into someone.
She made you want to live more than anything else
And now she makes you want to leave the world
Because you have seen it.
In her you have seen the color and shape of your perfect life,
And now the children, the house, the arguments about tableclothes
Are all fading like things left in sunlight,
Like any dream left too long in the light.
For months, maybe years, everytime you see her
You will want to kiss her.
When you do you will expect pain to come,
Like the old dog you could never quite put down,
But there will be none.
You will remind yourself, she will remind you,
You will remind each other that this is for the best.
That you are physically incapable of loving one another.
And in those moments you will be lying.
Your heart screaming, “I can! I can! I can!”
But you will stay silent
Because of her, because she asked for this,
Because she filled something in you thats still full
Even though she’s gone. -